Finding myself...

Here I am, staring into the screen and occasionally to the garden outside this nice little space I've grown to like...most of the time, lost for words, struggling to put my whirlwind thoughts into words. Can I even began to dissect my thoughts or my emotions? Can we do that? Dissect or 'compartmentise' one of the most complex things in this world? Our hearts.

I have not been here, my blogspace, for sometime. I have not been blogging because it takes time, both to type and to think of how to type the stuff I want to say in the way closest to what I feel. Or am I just complicated?

These past few months have been...surprising in many ways. I found myself being given new responsibilities, both at work and personally. I found myself fallen in love and yet being afraid if I have made the right decision. I found myself taking chances and yet uncertain at times. I found myself a little scared of the beliefs I have yet having hopes for good things. I found myself feeling sorry for someone yet knowing it didn't have anything to do with me. I found myself new levels of patience. I found myself weak in some situations yet seeing how much Grace I have been shown. I found myself trying to battle the evil within me and yet at times, my attempts seemed feeble and I failed. I find myself unable to answer the difficult questions but yet knowing there is a God and the pursuit of Truth is really really a tough journey. I find myself asking a lot of questions and yet believing easily at times. I find myself having new strengths to carry on after a storm. I find myself unable to explain the strengths to persevere.

I find myself remembering a series I watched and loved during my schooling years - Anne of Green Gables.For those of you who loved this, I'm sure the more you'll remember him - Gilbert Blythe. Don't we all, girls, hope to meet our very own Gilbert Blythe one day? I do. I find myself hoping that he knows..and believes.

We learn by living it out...

"Here, as in the preceding stage, we are facing something that will not be done for us, though in our effort we'll find gracious strength beyond ourselves. Oswald Chambers puts it so well. He states that if we've experienced regeneration, we must not only talk about it, but exercise it, working out what God has worked in. We must show it 'in our fingertips, in our tongue, and in our bodily contact with other people, and as we obey God we'll find we have a wealth of power on the inside.' In becomes a natural part of us, and practice is the key:

The question of forming habits on the basis of the grace of God is a very vital one. To ignore it is to fall into the snare of the Pharisee - the grace of God is praised, Jesus Christ is praised, the Redemption is praised, but the practical everyday life evades working it out. If we refuse to practice, it is not God's grace that fails when a crisis comes, but our own nature. When crisis comes, we ask God to help us, but He cannot if we have not made our nature our ally. The practicing is ours, not God's. God regenerates us and puts us in contact with all His divine resources, but He cannot make us walk according to His will."
- Dallas Willard
St. Paul's Psychology of Redemption
Book: The Spirit of The Disciplines - Understanding How God Changes Lives

Happiness

Was flipping through the newspapers yesterday and something caught my eye, the McD's ad that says "Happiness, now only at RM5.95" (lunch promo)

A lame thought came to mind. I turned to Mr Yee, pointed to the ad and said, "Hey look. Now we can buy happiness at only RM5.95"

To this he replied, in his trademark monotonous yet humorous way, "But I thought we already have our happiness."

I laughed. His reply made my day. Whether it was uttered out of plain humor or merely just a lame reply to my lameless, it was the phrase of the day...at least, to me.

I truly hope, we do have a kind of "Happiness" that lasts :)

Tetap dalam kenangan

Pakcik yang tersayang..

Sayu terpisah
hikayat indah kini hanya tinggal sejarah
berhembus angin rindu
begitu nyamannya terhidu wangian kasihmu
hujan lebat mencurah kini
bagaikan tiada henti
kaulah laguku kau irama terindah
tak lagi kudengari
kau pergi.. pergi..
sepi tanpa kata
terdiam dan kaku tak daya kau kulupa
apa pun kata mereka
biarkan kenangan berbunga di ranting usia
(lirik lagu "Pergi")


Lirik lagu bagaikan irama hatiku pada saat ini. Dia meninggalkan kami tanpa diduga..tidak sempat ku mengucapkan selamat tinggal. Belum lagi ku sedari kehilanganmu. Mungkin satu hari nanti realiti ini akan menjadi satu memori indah. Indah kerana kau telah menjadi sebahagian besar dalam kehidupanku. Tapi hatiku tetap sayu...kerana ku akan merindui kehadiran mu.


"To live in the hearts of those we love is not to die"

CS Lewis said..

"Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting systems. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, if you turn to Him then with praise, you will be welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.
You may as well turn away"
- CS Lewis, A Grief Observed

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else"
- CW Lewis

The Dash Poem

Aronil emailed this and I thought to make up for my long absence in the blogsphere, it's worth the read...

The Dash Poem
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

© 1996 Linda Ellis

Life is a Gift.

Today I registered as a voter, ,finally. Its something I should have done long ago but I didn't because I couldn't be bothered previously.

But today, is the day. It's the day of the year where I celebrate the Life that has been given to me. It's also the day where, I hope the whole nation, mourns for the loss of someone to injustice. Today is Teoh Beng Hock's funeral day. I don't know him at all but I know the fight for injustice unites people of the same passion, whether it's fighting for the voiceless, the poor, the innocent or deaths without truth.

In the freedom I live, I remember those who lost theirs.

Anything with life in it can flourish only if it abandons itself to what lies beyond it, eventually to be lost as a separate being, though continuing to live on in relation to others. Life is inner power to reach and live "beyond".
- Dallas Willard, The Spirit of Disciplines.

I.am.ANGRY.

Today's news headlines made me real angry. Unbelievable. Shocking. Sick.

Justice For Beng Hock

A new postcode

Since my last entry, I've shifted...yet again in just 1 year plus after I moved back to KL. My life's been nomadic of late.

It's an old-new place - old *coughs* because its a place *coughs* where my boss' childhood years were spent *coughs* and new cos its a new 'home' for me. There are 4 of us, 2 girls and 2 guys. The girls are normal beings...the guys, uhmmm I'm not so sure. Sorry guys, you both are too 'special' to be labeled normal ;) ..and their names even rhymed! Well, depends how to call them.

So far, we've been good. I hope we'll get along more than well, I hope we will have a blasting time of joy and laughters together, growing in friendship rather than ending up killing each other. I'm settling in fast, perhaps due to my constant shifting these past few years...and I guess also cos I'm living with familiar faces whom I know I can trust.

We have been real blessed with 'donations' of some items to make this place feels like a home and for my house mates who have all been wonderful thus far. I hope this can only get better as we journey along.

And none of this would have been possible without our generous-hearted landlady cum my boss at work - Mei =)..and 'the other boss' who helped shifted the ultra heavy TV + some muscles from colleagues. Thank You once again to none other than my beloved Jehovah Jireh.

Dinner with Melz aka The Goat

Melz aka The Goat was in town last week and she is flying back to Canada today. We only get to see her once every 3 years! Melz was my classmate and my cycling mate. Lotsa memories spent together during our schooling days, that's for sure! After so many years, she remained the humble person she has always been. The only thing is she has picked up an accent...from the many years living abroad.

Here are some of us - Amelia, Sara, Melz, Audrey and Moi
The colours are a bit odd here. Hmmmm.



Finally, a shot with 'ze goat'!